April 2nd, 2005


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07:26 pm
im so confused

its been the shittiest week of my life. and it was topped off this morning by the lovely wake up call.
i had to work at 645 this morning, so i set the alarm for 545, though i snooze for awhile before getting up. whilest snoozing, i had crazy fears that there was a burglar in the house, coz i could hear someone moving around. figured, maybe its my sister...but wait! She doesnt get up til at least 12(noon) if she can help it...hmmm....
so i get up...open the door, and my sister's door is open...walk into the hallway....what do i smell? alchohol!
i go downstairs, and shes just finished throwing up in the mainfloor bathroom....and i hear her cleaning a lil bit, and rinsing her mouth out...etc...i just stand there, and wait for her to come out of the bathroom. she walks out, and does a double take. "hello" all confused and surprised. i state flat out: "youre drunk" and then she gets all defensive..."fuck off! im not fucking drunk" all the while, slurring her words. i point out the big empty bottle of kaluah, sitting on the counter...she claimed it was there yesterday, she doesnt know how it got there! but actually, it WASNT there yesterday, because we dont leave alchohol laying around to tempt the ALCHOHOLIC! and as im the only other person in the house right now (parents are in florida til tomorrow) it really is hers....stupid drunk people

my sister is perma-fried...did too much drugs and alchohol...is clinically depressed...just a fucked up case. shes 23, and at this point, with all the second and third and FOURTH chances she's had, i really dont have patience for her anymore. she does fine if my parents are here, but she cracks, given an amount of time away from them. true, i could have been a little more "there" for her this week, but...i was having my own problems...and im SURE she heard me crying almost every night this week...i wasnt exactly quiet....so fuck off if im not being receptive to YOUR needs!

anyway
ive been talking to A a bunch...not really any less than "normal" but definately lacking in content...its strained. he's super duper sick, and then the current situation...doesnt mix well for good conversation.
heres my confusion
hes been referring to R as her real name...i almost have to stop and think "who the hell is that?" because thats not her name in my mind. she's R or Ma'am. i literally didnt even know her real name until about a month and a bit of contact. so "R" is engraved into my mind. and beyond that, she was never referred to as anything other than R, from ANYONE (though i did have contact with many people who knew and used her name, but they pretty much all used R around me. the few times that A did use her name, he corrected himself right away, like he said a swear word or something...
i asked him why shes not "R" anymore, and he told me that i knew the answer to that. apparently its because shes not my domme anymore. but i dont understand why that changes her name. its a pseudonym, but beyond that, its her name to me!
he said that he's not "A" anymore either, but thats not a shocker, because the wasnt really A in my head anyway....so then he said that it shouldnt be that surprising: if he's not "A", then shes not "R". but its more than titles or pseudonyms to me...its names! thats who shes always been in my head.
its almost like a sitcom or soapopera...changing actors midseason, or episode, or whatever. i almost cant relate her to the person that i know

head hurts

puddle~